Sunshine

Sunshine is one of those things that people try really hard not to hate. It's very discouraging really.

Did you know that the weather is the single most talked about topic in the world today? So you can imagine how infuriating it is to be someone who has to make small talk (i.e - cashier, salesman, barista) with people on a nice day. Just take a moment to sit back and appreciate the struggles which these people endure thanks to the sunshine, with a bit of role play:

Customer: "Lovely weather, isn't it?"
Cashier: "Yes, it's very lovely."
Customer: "Guess you'd rather be out at the beach, wouldn't you?"
Cashier: "Yes, I guess. Have a nice day."

Then the next customer comes along:

Customer 2: "Turned out the be a beautiful day!"
Cashier: "Yes, it did."
Customer 2: "Not a cloud in the sky!"
Cashier: "Yes, it's nice. See you later."

And so on. Until it gets to this stage:

Customer 3: "What great weather we have today, isn't it?"
Cashier: "Don't make me cut off your hands."
Customer 3: "Sorry?"
Cashier: "Lovely day."

But this is a relatively small portion of the population that has been represented here. What about the broader, non-cashier segment of the public? How does the sunshine drown their happiness and cause such paramount pain and suffering?

Just go to your local chemist. Have a look. There is bound to be a whole aisle dedicated to fighting the vast evil of the sun and it's terrifically more terrible shine, and the accompanying nefarious UV rays. Because, for as much people claim to love the sunshine, the warmth and the good times it brings, people try to fight the sunshine with a vast array of weapons. The government even went as far as to issue propaganda regarding the combative engagement of the sun and its evil shine, with the infamous and controversial "Slip, Slop, Slap" campaign, perhaps more notorious for its use of words with extremely suggestive onomatopoeia than the declaration of all out war on one of the greatest forces in the universe.

In case you didn't know, every time you step foot outside during the day (and even during the night to some extent), you are subjecting yourself to the incredible power of the sun's doomsday device: Ultra-violet radiation, or UV rays. In their slighter forms they cause mere production of vitamin D in the human body, but in their fully-grown and developed  UV-A manifestation, they can mutate and destroy you on a cellular level; they can cause you to age more quickly and, as everyone knows, can lead to erythema, or sunburn, causing redness and irritation because the sun has attempted to shoot you to death with radiation.  The sun can and will cause you pain and grief, from a friend slapping you on the back after a day's sunbathing to the development of cataracts causing your blindness later in life. Hence, a hard-line stance must be adopted if we are to successfully defeat the sun and all the evil it brings.

Old-style weapons such as the t-shirt, the hat (often broad-brimmed or "flap" style), the shade and staying indoors were employed, as well as the new, hi-tech armory including sunscreen, lip balm, sunglasses and giant sun-blocking devices, all of which proved highly effective in the war against sunshine. Treatments to prevent injuries received while combating the sun were also developed, with the widespread implementation of the aloe-vera plant and the invention of lotions and oils which enhance the effectiveness of soothing injuries of the sun. Surgeries were introduced to remove the sun's bullets for those who dedicated their lives to the fight and often paid the price with cancer. Others weren't so lucky.

One of many drastic measures taken against the evil Sun.

As well as the direct effects of the sun, it also has many more social and conventional implications. Systems have been developed to help monitor the sun and it's time spent attacking the earth; the most notable of these being the calendar and 24 hour time systems, both of which help people plan when to and when not to face the danger of the sun, as often they have never been wise enough to take the many signs to stay out of the sun seriously.

It is true; the sun does try to warn you to stay out of its way. What is the absolute worst thing in the world? That first blinding, shimmering, utterly destructive ray of sunshine that glides between the gaps in your Venetian blind in the morning. It disturbs you from your slumber; it hurts your eyes; it signals morning - and morning signals getting out of bed. No-one wants that.

For those brave enough to venture out in the sunlight hours, you are faced with debilitating warmth and blinding light. Your body responds violently with a deluge of sweat and attempts to save itself but putting you in a coma with a wave of lethargy and somnolence. If you do not respond to these indicators, you will probably end up getting one of many heat-related illnesses, like heat exhaustion, heat edema and heat syncope, all of which will probably lead to your death. If they fail to kill you, the malignant melanoma will.

In a futile attempt to understand why and how the Sun does what it does, scientists the world over have attempted to recreate the conditions seen on the surface of the Sun, largely through the use of Sun-Simulation devices. These attempts have been largely unsuccessful, nay, catastrophic, as these highly risky simulators deal with copious amounts of radiation and energy the rate of failure is high. One of the best known incidents of such a kind was the explosion which occured at the Hiroshima Heavy Industrial Concern Sun Simulator facilities on August 6, 1945. The devastation was massive; the blast caused the immediate deaths of 70,000 people as they were incinerated in the face of immense heat and fire, with the explosion reaching over 3,900 degrees celsius, and the remaining fallout has since caused the deaths of thousands due to mutation and radiation poisoning. It was estimated that 200,000 people had lost their lives by 1950 due to the explosion. Notwithstanding this, and many other incidents including Chernobyl, Nagasaki and Three Mile Island, scientists still insist upon the similation of the sun in order to better combat it.

The toll of the Chernobyl Sun-Simulation Laboratory Incident is still being calculated.

Despite the high-cost of these disasters, science still pushes on in what is an increasingly pathetic attempt to understand the sun and defeat its omnipotent evil. The public has been implored to submit itself to testing and scrutiny by the scientific community, with the widespread adoption of solarium and sun-tanning salons which allow the ordinary layperson to give back to the sciences which have given them so much. These people, who readily submit themselves to pain and suffering, and often hideous mutation, have become known as martyrs of science, with many developing the symptoms of prolonged sun-seigeing in a mere fraction of the time regularly observed.

Dedicated to the cause: Two women speaking at a conference on how to deal with the hideous mutations caused by contributing their lives to science.

Despite the overwhelming evidence against the sun, there is still an apparently unswayed faction which insist upon the worship of the sun. Day in a day out, they throw themselves to Its insane cause, laying down their bodies in a sacrifice to keep the almighty Sun pleased. The sun readily takes these fresh victims, staining their skin a hideous brown and causing their hair to turn the color of ripe bananas. They often smell of the polluted sea, they often speak in a slurred and colloquial manner, being uneducated and unemployed, and they often spend hours surfing the earth's oceans, regardless of weather, season or hurricane, all to impress their almighty God, the Sun. Society has largely forsaken these militant factions, leaving them to wills and whims of their Sun. They can be observed lounging around the beach, drinking heavily and mooching off their endlessly disappointed parents.

A colony of sun worshippers. Note the abundant brownness of skin, indicating that the Sun is close to digesting them, as well as the tokenistic use of umbrellas as slight camouflage against the society that has shunned them.

It is clearly apparent that the sun should be hated. I haven't even touched on bush fires, drought, the melting of the polar icecaps, the fading of your car's paintwork and the melting of your favourite ice cream, and yet it is still so abundantly clear that the sun should be widely abhorred and shunned. But people still allow it to give them happiness, allow it to make their day better and improve their mood, albeit under delusion as the risks of sunshine are well known. We let our children play in the sun, we even let them enjoy it. We are as good as murderers for this lapse in our generally good judgement. Our kids are out there, mutating, burning, and yet we watch them and say "Good on you, Billy!"

You should all be ashamed of yourselves. The sun, for its innumerable crimes against humanity, nature and the university, its crimes against your family, friends and fellow man, and its crimes against your health, appearance and body, must be hated, not only now, not only in the minutes after this realisation of your misguided love, but forever.

Sunshine. It has to be stopped.